Why choose a couples specialist over an individual therapist?

A therapist who specializes in couples has focused training on how couples connect, communicate, and clash. Unlike a general therapist who sometimes works with couples, a specialist is better equipped to spot hidden relationship patterns, use proven techniques to improve your bond, and help you understand how your past experiences affect your relationship today.

What percentage of couples stay together after couples therapy?

The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists states 90% of couples who complete therapy with a highly trained couples therapist report an increase in their emotional well-being. Approximately two-thirds of participants also report improvements in their general physical well-being. Couples therapy has also shown to be as effective as individual therapy in addressing symptoms of depression in some cases.

How long will we have to attend couples therapy sessions?

At Kodo, couples work in four-month cycles. This structure provides enough time to build momentum, practice new tools, and see measurable change in your relationship. Most couples begin to notice meaningful shifts within the first few sessions, but lasting transformation typically unfolds over the course of a full cycle. At the end of each four-month period, we review your progress together and decide whether to transition out of therapy, extend for another cycle, or shift focus based on your evolving goals.

What if my partner doesn't want to come to couples therapy?

One partner being hesitant is common. Kodo offers Couples Therapy for One for individuals who want to work on their relationship even when their partner is not ready. Discernment Counseling is also available for couples where one partner is unsure about staying.

Do you offer therapy for non-traditional relationships?

Yes. Kodo welcomes couples of all backgrounds, identities, and relationship structures. Who you love is never a question; how you love is what we focus on together.

Do you take insurance for couples therapy?

Kodo does not currently accept insurance due to the limitations it places on the therapy process. Insurance companies often impose restrictions on the types of treatment and the number of sessions covered, which can limit the flexibility needed for effective therapy. Detailed superbills are provided that you can submit to your insurance company for out-of-network reimbursement.

Do you offer remote couples therapy sessions?

Yes. Kodo offers secure and confidential remote therapy sessions for couples and individuals throughout California.

What is the cost of couples counseling in Marin County?

Sessions at Kodo are $225 to $250 for 50 minutes or $330 for 80 minutes depending on clinician. Monthly superbills are available for Marin County clients who wish to use PPO out-of-network benefits.

Do you offer in-person couples intensives in Marin County?

Yes. We offer in-person couples intensives for partners in Mill Valley, San Rafael, and throughout Marin County who want to work more deeply and efficiently than traditional weekly therapy allows.

What is the difference between marriage counseling and Relational Life Therapy (RLT)?

Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is a therapeutic approach that focuses on identifying and changing relational patterns such as power struggles, emotional withdrawal, and reactivity in order to improve connection and accountability.

How long does couples therapy take?

At Kodo, couples work in four-month cycles. Most couples notice meaningful shifts within the first few sessions. At the end of each cycle we review progress together and decide whether to continue, shift focus, or transition out.

What makes Kodo different from other couples therapists in Marin?

Kodo is a couples-only practice. Every clinician specializes exclusively in relationship work, using Relational Life Therapy, EMDR, and Emotionally Focused Therapy. We do not do general therapy with occasional couples sessions — relationships are all we do.

How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce: A Therapist’s Guide to the Conversation

decision to divorce

Sep 16

Written By Sheena Simpson

The best way to tell your spouse you want a divorce is to understand your own position first, communicate it directly, and avoid turning the conversation into either a threat or a prosecution of the marriage.

By the time someone says, “I want a divorce,” they may have been having the conversation internally for months or years, but their spouse may be hearing it for the first time.

That difference matters. You may arrive calm and resolved while your partner feels shocked, frightened, or desperate to change your mind. Thinking carefully about what you mean and how you communicate it can reduce unnecessary damage during an already painful conversation.

Know What You’re Trying to Say

Before beginning the conversation, take some time to decide what position feels most true:

You've decided to end the marriage.
You're seriously considering divorce but are uncertain.
You want to stay in the relationship, but it can't continue as is.
You want your partner to understand the seriousness of your pain.

When one partner is leaning toward leaving while the other wants to repair the relationship, they are considered a mixed-agenda couple. This imbalance needs to be acknowledged before either person can have an honest conversation about what comes next.

These positions can feel similar when you’re overwhelmed, but they ask very different things of your spouse.

Divorce sometimes enters an argument as an attempt to make a partner finally listen, take responsibility, or fight for the relationship. That strategy may create urgency, but it also destabilizes the bond and makes future threats less meaningful.

If you want change, say so directly:

“I can’t continue living this way. I still care about our marriage, and I need to know whether we are both willing to make substantial changes.”

If your decision is settled, communicate that clearly:

“I have spent a long time considering this, and I have decided to end our marriage. I know this will be painful to hear. I want to handle what comes next with as much care as possible.”

Don’t Turn the Conversation into a Trial

People often enter this conversation carrying years of evidence. They want their spouse to understand every disappointment and every failed attempt at repair.

An exhaustive list usually invites a point-by-point defense. The central message disappears into an argument over details.

Name the larger pattern, your experience of it, and your position now:

“We have been disconnected for a long time. I know I have contributed to where we are, and I have lost confidence that we can repair the relationship in its current form.”

Directness and compassion can exist together. You can acknowledge your spouse’s pain without withdrawing the truth or taking responsibility for regulating their entire response.

Be Honest About Uncertainty

Fear and guilt sometimes lead people to make a final decision sound temporary. That can leave a spouse confused and clinging to possibilities that aren’t real, so it’s important for you to use language that matches what you know. If you have decided, say that. If you remain uncertain, name the uncertainty. If you would consider repair, explain what meaningful repair would require.

Couples who are genuinely undecided may benefit from discernment counseling. This short-term process helps partners consider three possible paths: maintaining the relationship as it is, separating, or committing to a focused period of couples therapy.

If Part of You Still Wants the Marriage

Some people imagine divorce because they are exhausted and can’t see another way out of the current dynamic. Others have reached a considered ending. Be honest with yourself about where you are.

If meaningful willingness remains on both sides, couples therapy can help you address the pattern that has made the relationship feel impossible. If your spouse refuses to participate, couples therapy for one can help you examine your own position, establish boundaries, and decide how you want to move forward.

Clarity With Dignity

The aim of this conversation is clarity with dignity. Speak truthfully and avoid unnecessary cruelty. Allow your spouse to have feelings that you can’t resolve for them. Before you begin, ask yourself:

Am I communicating a decision, naming genuine uncertainty, or trying to provoke a response?

An honest answer will tell you what conversation you actually need to have.

If you and your partner are caught between reconciliation and separation, Kodo Couples Therapy offers focused support for deciding what comes next.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I tell my spouse I want a divorce during couples therapy?

A therapy session may provide useful structure when conversations quickly escalate. Discussing the timing with the therapist can help, while secret coordination with the therapist can compromise the couples work.

What if my spouse promises to change?

Listen without making an immediate commitment. Consider the history of the problem, previous attempts at repair, and whether the proposed changes are specific and sustainable.

Should I mention divorce if I am uncertain?

If divorce has become a serious possibility, speak honestly about that uncertainty. Describe what brought you to this point and whether you still have willingness to explore repair.

How much should I explain?

Offer enough context for your spouse to understand your position and the central relationship patterns behind it. Detailed logistics and a complete review of past injuries can wait for later conversations.

About the Author

Sheena Simpson, LMFT, is the founder of Kodo Couples Therapy and specializes in helping couples navigate conflict, emotional distance, betrayal, and damaged trust. Her approach draws from advanced training in Relational Life Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, the Gottman Method, and trauma-informed therapy. She combines warmth and cultural sensitivity with a direct focus on accountability and lasting change.

Couples Therapy in Marin County

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Sheena Simpson