Why choose a couples specialist over an individual therapist?

A therapist who specializes in couples has focused training on how couples connect, communicate, and clash. Unlike a general therapist who sometimes works with couples, a specialist is better equipped to spot hidden relationship patterns, use proven techniques to improve your bond, and help you understand how your past experiences affect your relationship today.

What percentage of couples stay together after couples therapy?

The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists states 90% of couples who complete therapy with a highly trained couples therapist report an increase in their emotional well-being. Approximately two-thirds of participants also report improvements in their general physical well-being. Couples therapy has also shown to be as effective as individual therapy in addressing symptoms of depression in some cases.

How long will we have to attend couples therapy sessions?

At Kodo, couples work in four-month cycles. This structure provides enough time to build momentum, practice new tools, and see measurable change in your relationship. Most couples begin to notice meaningful shifts within the first few sessions, but lasting transformation typically unfolds over the course of a full cycle. At the end of each four-month period, we review your progress together and decide whether to transition out of therapy, extend for another cycle, or shift focus based on your evolving goals.

What if my partner doesn't want to come to couples therapy?

One partner being hesitant is common. Kodo offers Couples Therapy for One for individuals who want to work on their relationship even when their partner is not ready. Discernment Counseling is also available for couples where one partner is unsure about staying.

Do you offer therapy for non-traditional relationships?

Yes. Kodo welcomes couples of all backgrounds, identities, and relationship structures. Who you love is never a question; how you love is what we focus on together.

Do you take insurance for couples therapy?

Kodo does not currently accept insurance due to the limitations it places on the therapy process. Insurance companies often impose restrictions on the types of treatment and the number of sessions covered, which can limit the flexibility needed for effective therapy. Detailed superbills are provided that you can submit to your insurance company for out-of-network reimbursement.

Do you offer remote couples therapy sessions?

Yes. Kodo offers secure and confidential remote therapy sessions for couples and individuals throughout California.

What is the cost of couples counseling in Marin County?

Sessions at Kodo are $225 to $250 for 50 minutes or $330 for 80 minutes depending on clinician. Monthly superbills are available for Marin County clients who wish to use PPO out-of-network benefits.

Do you offer in-person couples intensives in Marin County?

Yes. We offer in-person couples intensives for partners in Mill Valley, San Rafael, and throughout Marin County who want to work more deeply and efficiently than traditional weekly therapy allows.

What is the difference between marriage counseling and Relational Life Therapy (RLT)?

Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is a therapeutic approach that focuses on identifying and changing relational patterns such as power struggles, emotional withdrawal, and reactivity in order to improve connection and accountability.

How long does couples therapy take?

At Kodo, couples work in four-month cycles. Most couples notice meaningful shifts within the first few sessions. At the end of each cycle we review progress together and decide whether to continue, shift focus, or transition out.

What makes Kodo different from other couples therapists in Marin?

Kodo is a couples-only practice. Every clinician specializes exclusively in relationship work, using Relational Life Therapy, EMDR, and Emotionally Focused Therapy. We do not do general therapy with occasional couples sessions — relationships are all we do.

Couples Counseling When Divorce Is on the Table: What Mixed-Agenda Couples Actually Need

Apr 25

Written By Sheena Simpson

Most couples searching for "couples counseling divorce" are not sure whether they are in a relationship that needs saving or a marriage that is ending, so they find couples therapy and they book a weekly slot. Six months later, they have spent several thousand dollars and are no closer to an answer.

This is usually not because the therapy was bad, but because the work was wrong for what they actually needed.

What is a mixed-agenda couple?

If one of you is leaning toward divorce and the other is not, you are what researchers call a mixed-agenda couple, the term introduced by William Doherty at the University of Minnesota to describe couples where one partner is leaning in and the other is leaning out.

One partner is trying to decide whether to stay. The other is trying to decide how to make you stay. That is not the same problem, and standard couples therapy cannot hold both.

Why regular couples therapy doesn't work for mixed-agenda couples

Couples therapy is built on a shared assumption that both partners are in. When that assumption is not true, weekly sessions become an arena for the same fight, held with a witness. More sessions deepen the ditch and do not fill it.

Many couples search for marriage counseling before divorce because they are unsure whether separation is the right decision. When partners have different levels of commitment, the goal is not to force reconciliation or move quickly toward ending the relationship. A structured process can help both people understand their feelings, concerns, and options before making a life-changing decision.

A different container is needed: discernment work.

What is discernment counseling?

Discernment work (originally developed through the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project) is a short, structured process designed specifically for couples where one partner is considering divorce. It is not couples therapy. It is not decision counseling. The goal is not to save the marriage or end it. The goal is clarity so that whatever path you choose, you choose it with clear sight.

Discernment counseling is designed for couples who are asking, "Should we keep trying or move toward divorce?" Unlike traditional couples therapy, this approach focuses on clarity rather than immediate relationship repair. It gives each partner space to understand their own willingness, concerns, and hopes while creating a clearer path forward.

How Kodo's discernment process works

Our protocol is our own, built for mixed-agenda couples specifically. The work is five sessions, with a specific mix of joint and individual time built in:

Session 1 (joint, 90 min) — frame the work, hear how each of you got here
Session 2 (individual, 45 min each) — what cannot yet be said in front of the other
Session 3 (joint, 90 min) — bring the individual work back to the room
Session 4 (individual, 45 min each) — process what surfaced, prepare for the close
Session 5 (joint, 90 min) — willingness, perception, integration

The individual time is where much of the real work happens. It is the one place in the process where each partner can speak without managing the other's reaction.

If the direction you arrive at is to work on the relationship, that work can continue as weekly couples therapy or a couples intensive: two days of concentrated work that compresses several months of weekly sessions. The transition does not require starting over with a new clinician.

The three clarity questions

By the close of the container, each partner answers three questions out loud, honestly, without performing:

What is still alive in me toward this relationship, and what is gone?
What am I willing to do, and what am I not willing to do?
What do I actually see about where my partner is?

The first question is the hardest. We answer it using the Aliveness Map: nine specific domains, each rated alive, dim, or gone:

Most people arrive at this work thinking "I don't know how I feel." Most people leave knowing exactly what is alive, what is dim, and what is gone. When both partners can answer those three questions honestly, the container has done its job. A path usually chooses itself.

Couples often benefit from this process when one partner wants to continue working on the relationship while the other feels uncertain or emotionally disconnected. This situation does not always mean the relationship is over. Sometimes couples need a structured space to understand what is still possible before deciding their next step.

When discernment work isn't the right fit

Discernment is not the right container if there is active abuse, active untreated addiction, or an ongoing affair. It is also not the right fit if you are both already committed to working on the relationship, because that is regular couples therapy. And it is not the right fit if you are both fully decided on divorce, because that is co-parenting and transition work.

Conclusion

Deciding whether to stay in a marriage or move toward divorce is one of the most difficult choices a couple can face. Couples counseling before divorce is not about pushing partners toward reconciliation or separation. It is about creating a structured space where both people can understand what they truly want, what patterns brought them here, and what possibilities still exist.

At Kodo Couples Therapy, our discernment-focused approach helps couples in Marin County gain clarity, communicate honestly, and make decisions with greater confidence and understanding.

Frequently Asked Questions

Yes, Couples counseling before divorce can help partners understand their relationship patterns, clarify their feelings, and determine whether rebuilding the relationship is possible or whether separation is the healthiest path.
Discernment counseling is a short-term process designed for couples where one partner is uncertain about continuing the relationship. The goal is clarity, not forcing reconciliation or divorce.
It depends on the situation. When one partner is considering leaving and the other wants to repair the relationship, discernment counseling may be more appropriate than traditional couples therapy because it addresses the uncertainty directly.
Couples therapy focuses on improving the relationship when both partners are committed to working on it. Discernment counseling focuses on helping couples decide whether continuing the relationship is the right choice.
A relationship may have potential for repair when both partners are willing to be honest, understand their patterns, and participate in meaningful change. A structured counseling process can help reveal what is possible.