When “Safety” Turns Into Control: The Invisible Cost of Relationship Management
When “Safety” Turns Into Control: The Invisible Cost of Relationship Management
Most people who become controlling in their relationships do not experience themselves as controlling.
They experience themselves as trying to feel safe. They are trying to prevent another shock, another betrayal, or another emotional free-fall. To avoid that powerlessness, they begin to monitor. They track moods, behaviors, devices, and tone.
From the inside, this feels like taking responsibility for the relationship. From the outside, it feels like suffocation. This is where many Marin County couples find themselves stuck.
How Control Enters the System
Control rarely shows up as domination at first. It usually enters through fear. After a rupture (such as addiction, infidelity, or emotional unpredictability) a nervous system learns a dangerous lesson: uncertainty is a threat.
Biologically, the body tries to eliminate that uncertainty: Rules are added, reassurance is constantly requested, access is negotiated. As a result, slowly, freedom shrinks and both partners start organizing their lives around one central task: keeping the relationship from exploding again.
The Ghost in the Room: How Childhood Roles Run Your Marriage
The Ghost in the Room: How Childhood Roles Run Your Marriage
Most couples do not fight about what they think they are fighting about. They fight about dishes, sex, or the schedule. However, underneath the surface tension, something much older is usually running the show.
At Kodo Couples Therapy, we often see that when partners get reactive, shut down, or controlling, they are not operating as their adult selves. They are operating from a "childhood role." This is a survival strategy the nervous system learned long before the current relationship existed.
What is a Childhood Role?
A childhood role is not a personality trait, but is a relational position. It is the stance you unconsciously took in your family system to stay safe or valued.
As the American Psychological Association notes, family dynamics create the blueprints for adult life. These roles were intelligent when you were eight. They helped you manage an unpredictable parent or survive emotional neglect.
ADHD and Couples Therapy: Why You Feel Stuck and How to Actually Reconnect
Many couples walk into my office with the same exhaustion. They love each other, yet they’ve talked about the same issues for years. They’ve read the books and tried the "communication scripts," but the same fights keep happening.
Recent data suggests this isn't just a "communication problem." According to the CDC, roughly 6% of U.S. adults now have a current ADHD diagnosis, and over half of those were not diagnosed until adulthood. This means many couples have been fighting against a "ghost" in the room, a neurological pattern they didn't even know was there.
How ADHD Actually Shows Up
ADHD doesn’t just affect focus; it impacts the very fabric of relational intimacy. In a relationship, ADHD often manifests as:
The Follow-Through Gap: Reliability issues that lead to one partner carrying a disproportionate "mental load."
Emotional Flooding: Rapid escalations during conflict that leave both partners feeling shell-shocked.
Rejection Sensitivity: A heightened vulnerability to criticism where the ADHD partner may shut down or "flee" to protect themselves.