The Ghost in the Room: How Childhood Roles Run Your Marriage
Most couples do not fight about what they think they are fighting about. They fight about dishes, sex, or the schedule. However, underneath the surface tension, something much older is usually running the show.
At Kodo Couples Therapy, we often see that when partners get reactive, shut down, or controlling, they are not operating as their adult selves. They are operating from a "childhood role." This is a survival strategy the nervous system learned long before the current relationship existed.
What is a Childhood Role?
A childhood role is not a personality trait, but is a relational position. It is the stance you unconsciously took in your family system to stay safe or valued.
As the American Psychological Association notes, family dynamics create the blueprints for adult life. These roles were intelligent when you were eight. They helped you manage an unpredictable parent or survive emotional neglect.
Common roles include:
The Responsible One: The child who managed the household logistics or emotions.
The Peacemaker: The one who smoothed over conflict to maintain harmony.
The Invisible One: The child who learned that being low-need was the safest path.
The Achiever: The one who felt love was conditional on performance.
The Magnetism of Roles in Marriage
Couples don’t pair randomly, we often pick partners who allow us to play our familiar roles. For example, the Responsible One often marries the Overwhelmed One. One partner over-functions while the other under-functions. The responsible partner feels burdened while the overwhelmed partner feels criticized.
This often leads to a pursuer-distancer cycle, a concept pioneered by the Gottman Institute. When these roles lock together, you stop relating to each other. You are simply relating to a survival strategy.
Why Insight Is Not Enough
Many couples we see in Marin County are highly self-aware, have done the work and can name their childhood wounds. Yet the fights continue.
This happens because these roles are nervous system states. When your partner uses a specific tone, your body does not check your therapy notes. It senses a threat and activates a protective role. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains in The Body Keeps the Score, the brain prioritizes survival over logic.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
Healing is about flexibility. It is about moving from a rigid childhood role into a choice-based adult partnership. In our practice, we do this by:
Slowing the Conflict: Catching the moment a protective role takes the driver's seat.
Naming the Protection: Recognizing that a partner's shutdown is a survival reflex, not a lack of love.
Regulating the State: Learning to stay present even when things feel tense.
Interrupting the Dance: Changing your move so your partner does not have to use an old counter-move.
Deepening Your Connection in Marin County
If your relationship feels repetitive or exhausting, two childhood survival strategies may be locked together. Until these roles are addressed, you will continue trying to solve adult problems with childhood solutions.
We specialize in helping couples move beyond surface-level scripts to work at the root of the pattern. Whether you are seeking support in Novato or looking for couples therapy in Marin County, we can help you move back into a true adult partnership. Contact us today for a free consultation.
