How the Wrong Kind of Therapy Can Harm Your Relationship (and What to Look For Instead)
Why It Matters Who You Choose for Couples Therapy
When a relationship feels stuck, it’s easy to think any therapist can help. After all, therapy is therapy, right? But that’s not quite the case.
Working with couples is its own discipline. The difference between individual and couples therapy is as dramatic as the difference between surgery and physical therapy: both help the body, but in totally different ways.
At Kodo Couples Therapy in Marin County, this is the world we live in every day. Our clinicians are immersed in Relational Life Therapy (RLT), the Gottman Method, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which are all approaches designed specifically for the delicate, high-stakes dynamics between two people.
I can’t count how many couples have told me I am their third or fourth therapist. By the time they reach Kodo, they’ve already tried general therapy, and sometimes the results have been downright damaging. One partner left feeling blamed, the other unheard. The pattern that needed attention was never named. That’s the cost of working with someone who doesn’t specialize in couples work.
Why “General” Therapy Often Misses the Mark
Most therapists are trained to work one-on-one. That training builds deep insight and empathy, but it doesn’t teach how to hold two nervous systems in balance at once.
There are a few reasons the translation doesn’t work:
Individual work is about one story. Couples work is about two intersecting realities and how they collide in the moment.
Without structure, sessions drift. A therapist untrained in couples dynamics can easily slide into referee or cheerleader mode, siding with whichever partner seems more hurt or articulate.
The relationship itself is the client. Without that orientation, therapy can accidentally widen the gap it is supposed to close.
Well-intentioned help can still cause harm. Missteps in couples therapy can not only stall progress, but deepen hopelessness.
What Specialized Couples Work Looks Like
Our practice is trauma-informed and attachment-aware. We integrate various trauma therapies, such as EMDR, when old wounds surface, and we teach partners to notice how past injuries play out in the present. The focus stays on repair, not blame.
Sessions move between:
Real-time coaching on communication and accountability
Slowing the nervous system so both partners can actually hear each other
Translating insight into new habits that last outside the room
This is not generic talk therapy. It’s structured, experiential, and designed for two people learning to meet each other again.
The Heart of Kodo
At Kodo, relationships aren’t a sideline; they are the whole game. Every training hour, every supervision consult, every case discussion centers on helping couples rebuild connection that’s both honest and safe.
If you’re repeating the same argument, if you love each other but feel more like roommates, there’s a way through. Couples therapy done well changes not just communication, but the nervous system of the relationship itself.
